Ena - Day 24
Ena: In case you hadn’t heard, it’s summer here in Los Angeles, and the doom-and-gloom that was Friday’s post seems inappropriate, for now. Yes, my last post was…bleak, to say the least…but that’s how I felt, and, as Bina has reminded me numerous times throughout the course of our project, honesty is an important part of the process. So, that’s what you get; the truth – bleak or not-so-bleak.
I woke up late today and with a splitting headache – caused, no doubt, by this weekend’s shopping excursions in which large sums of money were spent without benefit to my own wardrobe; ah, the true pain of the holiday season – so an easy, no fuss outfit was required. And, since the thermometer hit upwards of 80 today, something light and cool was also in order.
So, here you have it: a comfortable, warm weather, no-brainer outfit – translation: a style-less, thrown together, thoughtless mess. But, good weather, good attitude, so no complaints from me. There is, thankfully if not dauntingly, always tomorrow, and I am sure it will be much better than today. Truly, I am.
Bina - Day 24
Bina: Boy, Friday’s post was depressing. I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’m all better now. I’m still struggling. But I did manage to put on a dress and come to work this morning. So that’s something.
Some of you may be wondering why I haven’t sought out psychotherapy. Well, I have. After over a year delving into my childhood and relationship history in therapy, I decided to stop those regular sessions during the spring. Then, at the end of summer, I decided I didn’t want to take anti-depressants anymore. I had taken them for over a year, and I didn’t want to be dependent on them any longer. I felt like I was in a better place. I felt like I could handle life. I was also dating someone who I was very excited about – and let’s face it, that’s really the best antidepressant money can buy. Well, for a while anyway. So I slowly weaned myself off the pills, decreasing my dosage slightly over the course of a month or so. At first, I didn’t really notice much difference. I had a few headaches, but nothing seemed too alarming. I was fine. I felt happy.
Things unraveled after that. It has taken a few months, and the demise of a sweet and fun fledgling relationship, to bring me to this place. In retrospect, I realize with the way I am falling apart right now, he was probably right to end things. I most likely would have attempted to lean on him to help me get through this adjustment period, and I don’t think he was equipped to do that. I have to learn how to take care of myself. But I do need some help. So I’m trying to ask for it now. From my friends and loved ones. From Ena – who kindly sits and listens to me each day, and who, frankly, I think should pursue a career as a psychiatrist. And I just called to make an appointment to see my therapist. Because I realize my friends and loved ones aren’t fully equipped to help me either.