Ena - Day 26
Ena: Well, today I am wearing something a little less daring (and ridiculous) than yesterday, and I have to admit that I feel much better (and only slightly ridiculous). This project is not as easy as it seems. Really, it isn’t. Sure, on paper it sounds pretty simple: show up to work every day looking as though you’ve put effort into your appearance. And, I suppose it could be that simple but, for me anyway, it’s much more complicated than that.
Not only do I want to show up to work every day looking like I’ve put effort into my appearance, I want to look good. I want to look fashion forward and slightly edgy. I want to look professional and work-appropriate but fun and youthful at the same time. And, I don’t want to break my bank to do it. That’s all. Is that so much to ask? It turns out that the answer is yes, that is a lot to ask. A whole lot.
Now, I haven’t done exhaustive research (yet), but it seems to me that there is very little help out there for a person with the combination of my particular set of fashion wishes and financial constraints. I have mentioned previously how my scouring of popular fashion blogs often results in frustration rather than inspiration. Fashion magazines are great, but they too usually present looks based on expensive or unattainable clothes, or looks that are strictly event, office, or street with very little in between. Tell me, how is a girl like me supposed to figure out how to take the trends of the moment and turn them into work and age appropriate affordable looks? Seriously, tell me.
I guess the answer is this. Do this. Try new things. Show up to work one day looking like a cross between Charlie Chaplin, Pee Wee Herman, and a Catholic school girl. Figure it out. I suppose the path to fashion enlightenment is strewn with casualties, remnants of the failures, the attempts, the ridiculous. A word of caution then, if I ever do reach fashion utopia, my path will likely need to be plowed.
Bina - Day 26
Bina: I was lying on the floor in some restorative pose with a funny name at the end of yoga class today, and my eyes were closed. The teacher asked us to surrender. Then, she asked us to surrender ten times more. And then a couple of tears slid down my face onto the mat. Surrender has proven quite difficult for me as of late. My body is filled with tension. I lie awake at night and I feel that my entire body is rigid. And somehow I can’t release. I can’t let go. I can’t sleep. And when I finally do sleep for a couple of hours, I wake up in the morning filled with panic and morbid thoughts.
Yeah, the mornings are the hardest. If I can just get past the initial flood of panic and nausea and manage to take a shower, put on some make-up and get dressed, by the time I’m walking to my car, I feel like a functioning human again. Of course, the day doesn’t end there. I am finding that the littlest things are sending me into tears, and it’s embarrassing. I feel paper thin, though I’m still at least a healthy 130 lbs.
One good thing about feeling thin – more of my clothes fit again. I haven’t worn this skirt in years because I couldn’t zip it up. Now I can. It’s nice to be able to zip things up again, but it’s not nice that I don’t want to eat. I realize that my mental health can never recover if I’m not taking care of my physical health. It just won’t stand a chance at this rate. I need sleep. I need nutrients. And apparently, these days, I need to cry.
Looking inward is hard. Anytime we decide to do it, it usually means it’s time to make some changes – and not just in the way we dress.