Passionless Fashion

transforming our lives by transforming our wardrobes

Day 28 – Friday

Ena - Day 28

Ena: Today I’m wearing a flannel shirt, and though you may be tempted to label me a hipster, I’d rather you didn’t.  I like to think of this look as neo-grunge because I am old enough to have taken part in flannel’s last heyday during the 1990s, and because I am not a hipster.  If you can’t get on board with neo-grunge, then how about lumberjack chic?  It has a certain ring I think.

I am fairly happy with my look today, however I am having a rather difficult time with my pants.  There is quite a bit of gaping and stretching happening around my knees that looks very odd and is getting on my nerves.  I suppose I could have – and probably should have – worn leggings of some sort, but then there’s the butt problem.  Don’t pretend that you don’t know what I mean.  Leggings are pretty difficult to pull off, especially if you are wearing a short or short-ish top and are not exceptionally fit.  Jeans are much more forgiving, and, as such, are usually my first choice even if they are not the best choice.

Today begins what is supposed to be over a week of rainy days here in Los Angeles, which would be fine if it weren’t interfering with my plans.  Prior to beginning this project I had been working on another one also designed to help me spice up my life and find my passion…or at least a hobby.  I created a “30 things to do before I’m 30 (or there about)” list, and this weekend I was supposed to resume my efforts.  Along with a few others, Bina and I were going to walk from my house to an archery range along the Arroyo Seco River and take a free archery class.  Now, I don’t know if archery will become my passion or my hobby, but I am sure that archery in the rain will become neither.

Bina - Day 28

Bina: Call me crazy, but I adore this weather.  It’s the start to a drizzly, rainy, chilly weekend in Los Angeles, and I love it.  Maybe that’s why I have such an affinity in my heart for Seattle, and for some of the best months of my life thus far spent in Juneau, Alaska.  I have perhaps never felt more at home in any city than I did in Juneau.  Of course, my time in Juneau was emotionally heightened because I fell in love with the musical director of the theatre where I was working as an actor – what a cliché, right?  But I do know that I fell in love with the city before I fell in love with the inappropriately young guy who had so much passion for me that he talked me into having a long-distance relationship and then months later would eventually break my heart because it was too hard, he was too young and ambitious, we were too far apart, etc.

Here’s the thing.  I know that I am at my most attractive when I am happy.  Who isn’t?  It’s always when I’m feeling happy to be independent and single, when I’m doing the things I love for myself, that someone will come along and see me in all my glory and want to be with me.  This has happened countless times. No great mystery about it.  It’s just how the world and people work.  But the problem is my inability to continue “loving” myself once I get into the relationship.  As soon as I’m crazy about someone, my whole world becomes about them.  I take on my role as a caregiver and a pleaser, and I lose myself and my sparkle.  The same sparkle that drew them to me in the first place.  I hate it.  I’ve lost myself so many times now that I just feel dull and tired.  I want to find my sparkle again, dammit, and when I do, I’m not going to lose it or let anyone take it away.

Now you’d think with the number of times I just used the word “sparkle” that I’d be wearing something sparkly today.  I’m not. But I am wearing a belt of bird feathers, so that’s something.  The pictures point out to me that my tunic is very easily a wrinkled mess but that’s okay.  Because the other thing I’m wearing in today’s photos that has been fairly absent for a while – an honest-to-goodness smile.

2 responses to “Day 28 – Friday

  1. Cheeles December 21, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Ena- I want to hear more about the 30 things you want to do before you’re 30!

  2. Maura December 21, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Bina, I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts on happiness as an independent woman, and then losing the sparkle when your whole world becomes wrapped up in taking care of or loving someone else. I think that has been a constant cycle in my life thus far too…it is far too easy to lose yourself in a relationship unfortunately.

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