Ena - Day 32
Ena: Passionless what?! Well, it’s a new year and it feels like we’re starting this project all over again, at least that’s how it feels for me. I have completely forgotten how this whole blog thing works. Maybe it’s just like riding a bike…maybe not. Come on brain.
I hope that everyone enjoyed their holidays as much as I enjoyed mine, which was a lot, so it’s a nice hope. I was fortunate enough to spend my time away from the office with my boyfriend, my animals, my parents, and many, many members of my extended family and I had an absolutely wonderful and heartwarming time. But enough of all that; back to reality.
So, here I am, Monday, faced once again with work and the still daunting task of chronicling my struggles with dressing myself. It remains rainy here in Los Angeles and my wardrobe remains limited. I am however happy to report that today I am wearing my very non-cheap, very leather, very waterproof new boots (yay!) which were a very thoughtful Christmas gift from my very smart boyfriend. In fact, I received a number of extremely stylish pieces of clothing from my family members, some of whom I was surprised – and a bit horrified – to learn are actually reading this thing.
I am also happy to report that I was able to sort of pull off a semi-miraculous feat over the break; I was able to continue my attempts to dress stylishly (or at least slightly less like a homeless person) during my non-work hours. Insert serious applause here, please.
One of the major issues, something I have viewed as a huge failure on my part, that I’ve had with this project so far is my inability to transition my new dressing habits to my free hours, i.e. the days when I am not forced to post pictures of myself on the world wide web. But, over the holiday I actually put some effort into my appearance and was (mostly) satisfied with the way I presented myself. I have to say that, more so than at work, dressing well during my free time made me feel really good about myself. So, at least there’s that.
Bina - Day 32
Bina: I like the idea of a New Year – this idea that we can wipe the slate clean and start anew, as if all of the problems that have been plaguing us in the prior year can suddenly vanish into thin air. It’s a nice idea.
“Good morning, Gorgeous Bina!” said the jovial man running the Water Tower Café. “How was your New Year? Go out with the husband to celebrate?”
“No, no husband.”
“Oh really? Well, I’m happy to hear that…what did you do for the break?”
“I went to Texas to visit family and friends.”
“Did you see your ex-boyfriends who are all wishing they didn’t blow it with you?”
I laughed and left. It was a nice little boost to start my morning, especially since I feel a little bit like I’m dressed like a superhero today. This sweater dress is quite snug and leaves little to the imagination – paired with the big patent belt, spandex tights and boots, I’m ready to do some serious crime-fighting. I really like this dress (a Christmas present from my cousin) but I’m a little self-conscious about my booty. It’s a good thing I’ve lost weight because otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to pull it off.
Over the holidays, my family all marveled at my weight loss. I come from a big family of skinny Indian women, which will cause anyone to have body image issues – although who doesn’t have body image issues? When I told one of my cousins that I didn’t have any appetite lately, her response was “You’re so lucky!” Hmmm, I don’t know if that’s lucky, but I did have a few pounds to spare so I’m going to try to see the positive side of all this. However, I have now made an appointment to see a doctor on Friday regarding my anxiety and loss of appetite. A girl’s really gotta eat…something.
I did see my therapist right before the holiday and it was incredibly helpful. When I got to her office, I felt like it had been so long since I’d seen her, I didn’t even know where to begin. But begin I did, and I’m glad. After an hour of talking and listening and laughing and crying, I felt a little better. The next day, I returned home to a family waiting with open arms.
While I’m still grappling with a lot internally, I know in my heart that I deserve better than what my past has sometimes dealt me. But my mind plays tricks on me. And there have been times when I have been mistreated and instead of standing up for myself and knowing I deserved better and walking away, I allowed myself to be walked all over instead. Just because I’m not an actual superhero doesn’t mean I can’t stand up for myself. Enough. (That just made me think of JLo in a wig punching someone and yelling “Enough!” Remember that movie? No? Just me? That’s cool.)