Ena - Day 34
Ena: Posing for pictures is difficult. Smiling for the camera is difficult. Ignoring curious bystanders while posing for pictures and smiling for the camera is difficult. Choosing three decent-ish pictures that highlight your wardrobe while not making you look completely hideous is difficult. All of these things are difficult…at least they are for me.
I do not consider myself to be photogenic – notice, I did not say “I am not photogenic,” so nobody can argue with me – and, while at time hilarious, one of the most challenging parts of this project is posing for, picking out, and posting pictures five days a week. Discussing our blog with some of my family members over the holidays, I heard the same questions from almost everybody: “Why do you always wear your sunglasses in the pictures?” “Why don’t you ever smile?”
The answer to these questions is: “Because I am insecure and extremely uncomfortable in front of the camera, so get off my back!” Alright, that last part is a bit of an exaggeration, and, in all truth, my actual answer to these questions is usually, “um…I don’t know.” Regardless of my answer, this now commonplace question has really got me thinking. Why is posing and smiling for the camera so difficult for me?
This is a question that, under normal circumstances, I would never ask myself for fear of what I might discover, and maybe it’s the feelings of renewal brought on by the New Year, or the spirit of change we are trying to affect through this project – or, maybe it’s delirium caused by my recent lack of sleep – but suddenly I feel compelled to look for the answer.
Don’t get too excited, I didn’t say that I have found the answer, just that I would look for it. So, here are a few of my theories: I am afraid of failure, and a bad picture is still successful if you weren’t trying to make it good; I am afraid of being weak, and wearing my sunglasses while scowling makes me feel strong; I am afraid of being vulnerable, and avoiding eye contact makes me feel safe. Ok, I’m going to go and have a nervous breakdown now, be right back.
Though some of my theories may sound crazy, the really crazy part is that they’re all lies. None of these things make me feel successful or strong or safe, they actually make me feel bad. So, I have decided to put some real effort into changing my ridiculous and slightly self-destructive ways. Don’t get too excited, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to change overnight just that you can expect to see more pictures of me without the sunglasses or the scowl or the downcast eyes, and, maybe in time, without the insecurity or the self-consciousness or the fear.
Bina - Day 34
Bina: Perhaps I should not have chosen to wear my Big Girl Shoes the day after my first Tahitian dance class. My thighs are on fire! But hey, only the strong survive – at least that’s what the instructor said to us after we danced for 90 minutes and were all sweaty messes at the end of class last night.
I feel schlubby and booby today. I may have just made up one or both of those words, but that’s how I feel. I really wanted to wear this awesome necklace today – a gift from yet another cousin. It’s super cute (though hard to see clearly in the photos) and a similar necklace has been seen on Kim Kardashian recently, but I don’t think I’ve found the right thing to wear with it yet. I’ll have to try again. Everything else I have on today is boring, boring, boring – as Ena described yesterday. I guess that’s why I felt like I should at least wear the powerful heels – to give my look a little oomph. But with my sore legs, I find myself walking even more like Bambi than usual. I had a vision of myself tumbling into a meeting this morning, and I think I am still in fear that it’s going to happen. I want to master this whole high-heel phenomenon though. When I asked my friend Alexis how she manages to often wear uncomfortably high-heels for long periods of time, she dramatically declared “Oh, my feet died years ago.” I guess I’m still waiting for my feet to go numb and die, cuz right now I don’t think I look so powerful when I’m all slow and wobbly.
I’m also loud today. As in my necklace is all jingly and you can hear me coming down the hallway like a cat. I’m like a slow, wobbly, clumsy cat wearing bells around her neck. Rowr.