Ena Day 42
Ena: Today might be worse than yesterday, if you can believe that. I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with me, but I have a terrible attitude and absolutely no motivation; no motivation to attempt to dress myself stylishly, no motivation to talk about this project…no motivation, none.
Days like today are made infinitely more difficult by the fact that I am obligated to sit down and write about days like today. I mean, come on; who in their right mind wants to read about days like today anyway? My only consolation is thinking that maybe, just maybe, my struggles will help one or two of our five readers.
Maybe my bad days provide comfort to others who are having bad days themselves. Maybe my bad days serve as an example to others that no matter how bad they think they have it, it could always be worse – they could be forced to blog about their bad days. Maybe, though I kind of hope not, my bad days help others by giving them something to laugh and smile about…maybe.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately – well, since yesterday anyway – and I feel like I’ve got a lot more to do before I figure out the real reason (or reasons…yikes!) for my lack of passion. Today I planned to tell you the story of how I came to realize that I was, in fact, a passionless mess, but, to be honest, I don’t really feel up to it now. Maybe tomorrow…if I’m feeling motivated.
Bina Day 42
Bina: Today, I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch. I was filling up a giant cup of Dr. Pepper (Yay Dr. Pepper!) when I saw a guy next to me look over, take a lid for his cup, then reach and get another lid to slide over to me. It was subtle and nothing really, just someone being nice, but I noticed and I appreciated it. And you have to notice these things because otherwise, your brain just becomes a muddled montage of jerks flipping you off on account of their road rage and inability to understand that you are Asian and doing the best you can. I appreciate more than ever when that one dude crossed the foyer to get the door for me today because I had my hands full of binders. I appreciated it that the nice lady let me cut in line at the grocery store because I was only buying two things (almost guaranteed one was cat-related.) And I will always wave back at you if you let me merge on the freeway. In fact, I probably appreciate these gestures so much because a lot of people are just plain mean these days.
I’ve always been accused of being “too nice.” Frankly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being kind. But I think the real problem is the “nice” generally translates into getting treated poorly because I was too “nice” to say or do anything about it. At this juncture in my life, as I learn how to dress myself properly on a daily basis, I am trying to de-toxify my life – get rid of the people and things that make me feel badly about myself. This is Facebook de-friending people who I unhealthily stalk or whom I believe are unhealthily stalking me – I may have low self-esteem but somehow I’m still a narcissist. This is doing the things I want to do when I feel up to doing them and when I can afford it. It’s learning how to say no, but for me, it’s also learning how to say yes. I’ve been so afraid of “people” my whole life and I think that’s why people just think I’m “nice and shy.” I’m too scared to be any different.
So I’m gonna say something embarrassingly revealing right now. Yes, it’s a little late for a premise like that. But I watched the movie Going the Distance over the weekend. And I don’t care what anyone says – I LOVE DREW BARRYMORE. LOVE. I wish I was as cool as Drew Barrymore. Really. She seems so nice. And the movie made me love her even more. I thought it was so charming and heartfelt and touching and the music and the banter and the Justin Long reminding me of my German ex-bf and the New York backdrops and the swoon! It made me want. It made me yearn. That’s good though. That’s life. And that’s inspiration even if it did come in the form of a chick-flick with dick jokes. See, here’s the other embarrassingly revealing thing about myself: I’ve been trying to write my very own chick-flick with dick jokes for the last year.