Ena: Today I decided to give the old granny-pants another try, and, I must say, I am not entirely disappointed with the way the whole thing turned out. Outfits like this are definitely still more of a stretch for me, something way outside my comfort zone, but I have noticed that it is getting a little easier to put them together. This outfit was actually conceptualized in my head last night and – I am a little hesitant to admit for fear of a jinx – required zero altering when making the leap from fantasy to reality…crossing my fingers and knocking on wood as I type this. Yes, that is as hard as it sounds.
I suppose that I should be encouraged by the fact that it is getting slightly easier for me to dress myself in the morning – should I be encouraged? it is day 53 after all…maybe I should be worried – but I know that I am not challenging myself as much as I could be. I need to continue branching out, trying new looks and learning more about my own style. What I do not want is to find myself in another style rut. I will never go back to dressing the way I did before beginning this project, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t end up back in a rut; a slightly stylish rut is still a rut.
I once told Bina that we need to be like sharks; we need to live believing that if we stop moving forward we die. I need to remember that. What good is life if we are not constantly being challenged, what are we learning? This may sound a bit shallow, but I am not talking strictly about fashion. I want to be challenged in all aspects of my life including my job, my relationships, and my hobbies (if I ever find any). I don’t want to be bored and I certainly don’t want to be boring. I will avoid the rut. I will move forward. I will not die. Screw the rabbit, this is the year of the shark.
Bina: I’m not sure if anyone noticed I didn’t post yesterday – not to worry, I didn’t throw my cats in the back of a van and start hauling ass towards Texas. I’m still here. The reason for my absence yesterday was that I had an adverse reaction to trying a new medication.
As I’m sure many of you are aware, the process of jumping through insurance hoops is never easy, and is especially not easy for someone who is dealing with depression. Basically, the insurance company a-holes wouldn’t let me have the medicine I really wanted/needed and instead suggested I try some generic versions of other stuff first. So I did. And it was a bad scene. However, the good thing that came out of my day of terror yesterday was that I was able to iron out some things with the insurance company – after being transferred the obligatory three times before anyone knew what the hell I was talking about – and now I can get the medication I need covered. All I had to do was try their stupid crap first. A-holes.
And now, after finally relenting and seeing my old out-of-network shrink this morning, I finally feel like I’m back on the right track towards recovery. I have had opinions on all sides about whether or not to go back on medication. It’s been confusing, to say the least. And I appreciate people’s opinions and concerns – but ultimately it is my decision for my life. And right now, this is what I need to do to feel better and move on with my life. I’d like to think I won’t need medication forever, but I have to climb up out of this rabbit hole first, and I need help to do it. I have struggled with the stigma of it all and blaming myself for feeling like a weakling, but now I know that depression is real. If someone has diabetes, I wouldn’t judge them for taking insulin. Why should I judge myself so harshly for this?
Getting dressed today somehow seemed like less work when I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. My scarf was a gift from my sweet little niece, Meera, for my birthday. I’m not sure if she picked it out all by herself but if so, she did a really good job for a 6-yr old. I like wearing gifts because it feels a little bit like I have the love wrapped around me as well. Oh, and another thing worth mentioning – OMG, you guys, I’ve NEVER fit into these jeans before. I mean, I know the depression diet isn’t really the diet of choice, but here I am, 20 lbs thinner than I was 6 months ago. I bought these grayish white-washed jeans for $20 when I worked at Guess? Corporate a few years back with the hopes of one day being able to button them, and this morning, I did! I buttoned my skinny jeans – and I didn’t have to use an elastic to hold them on or anything. That’s cause for a little celebration.
Speaking of celebration, Happy Chinese New Year of the Rabbit. I’m not Chinese or anything, but I’m totally into new beginnings. And who doesn’t like bunny rabbits? Oh wait, Ena. :)