Ena: Today is a big day. Today marks the return of the bat suit – Batman Returns, as I’m calling it; I suppose today could also be known as The Dark Knight, but I have always been partial to Michael Keaton, so I’m sticking with my first choice – and I couldn’t be happier. I love this ridiculous thing. I don’t care if it’s fashionable or stylish, it’s bizarre and abstract and it makes me feel like some sort of artist or dancer (which I will never be), eccentric dresser (which I may become), or slightly vengeful but ultimately lovable superhero (which I am). Alright, so I was kidding about the last part, but I really meant the rest.
Today also marks the first time that I am wearing my new boots; oh joy of joys. These boots are great, I simply cannot adequately express their greatness…but I’m gonna try. First of all, I was fortunate enough to purchase them at an unbelievable mark down for nearly $100 off the original price. Second, they are made of suede which I normally hate, but which, in this case, is perfect and soft and warm and divine. Third, – and, perhaps, most amazing and important – they are comfortable to walk in. I know, it sounds crazy, but this time I’m not kidding about any of it; these boots were a killer purchase, I am through the roof.
Wow, sorry. I’m done gushing about today’s outfit, promise. I know that I’m not normally this effusive, I suppose today is just another example of the power of fashion. Today also further proves that, regardless of what “they” deem trendy, it is impossible to feel self-conscious or foolish when you are wild about what you’re wearing. And, it is impossible to feel bad about yourself or your life when you’re happy with your appearance. Talk about powerful, today we have seen fashion make a usually stone-cold, emotionally reserved, slightly vengeful but ultimately lovable super hero come completely unglued. Alright, so I was kidding about the last part, but I was only sort of kidding about the rest.
Bina: Look! I did that thing where you put the belt on the OUTSIDE of the cardigan – WHAT?! I’ve been seeing this look everywhere, but it just seemed so out-of-the-norm for me. I would have never tried it before this project, but I’m glad I gave it a try today. I like it. It’s a very tame version of what it could be, but I’m still pretty proud.
This last week has been very busy for me, probably because I’ve finally been feeling more up for doing things. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I need to accomplish that I shut down, and wind up not accomplishing any of them, and oh, I don’t know, perusing destructive Facebook photos instead. I’ve started trying to make more lists – so that I can try to concentrate on one thing at a time and experience the pleasure that comes with striking the completed tasks off the list. It is helping somewhat. I guess with all the doctors, medication, yoga, volunteering, dancing, working, etc. happening in the last week, yesterday I started to get a little dizzy from all of it. So today, I’m trying to remember the meditation techniques. I’m trying to remember to say my family’s Buddhist chant to myself when I need to do so. I am taking brief moments to pause, take a deep breath, and clear my head. My friend RB said that his favorite meditation technique is picturing two brooms sweeping everything away inside his head, so I’ve been occasionally employing that method as well.
Meditation is also going to be a useful tool for me when I deal with criticism. In some cases, I am open to constructive criticism, but then there is destructive criticism. The criticism I did not ask for – the criticism that comes from a place of malice or control – and this criticism has always, since childhood, been lethal to my psyche. I’ve always been the kind of girl who cares too much what people think – strangers, friends, family, teachers, coworkers. I’m learning now that sometimes I need advice, and sometimes I’m going to do what I want. It’s still my life after all. Even when I was in that meditation class last weekend, I experienced criticism. Towards the end of class, the teaching monk asked us to turn to each other and share what we would most remember from the day’s teachings and how we would apply it to our everyday lives. The woman sitting next to me listened as I explained that I had just started taking antidepressants and had felt some anger and shame surrounding it. She interrupted me and said, “I refuse to take medicine.” That’s fine for her, but since I was sharing my experience, it wasn’t really the support I was looking for. Thankfully, we had just learned about releasing negative energy from others so I simply let it go.
I’ve often heard from people, “You’re so hard to get to know” or “Why are you so guarded?” or “Who is the real Bina?” I guess you could say I am working through my trust and insecurity issues. So it can take a very long time and a lot of work to tear down the walls I have built surrounding myself. But I’m starting to believe that if you do the work and take the time, you might find that it was all worth it. And if you don’t, then I’m learning to stop caring so damn much.