Passionless Fashion

transforming our lives by transforming our wardrobes

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Day 46 – Tuesday

Ena - Day 46

Ena: I really hate my hair today.  Sorry, I guess I should be more precise; I have been unhappy with my hair lately, but today I really hate it.  I have thin, fine, straight, limp hair.  My hair refuses to do anything on its own and rejects anything that anyone attempts to do to it.  My hair is a bitch.

There is really nothing else to say about the matter, this is mainly just a rant.  I have no solutions to this hairy situation (really sorry about that, I just couldn’t help myself), but I do have a few questions.  How am I supposed to appear professional when my hair appears to be stuck in grade school?  How can I expect to look stylish when my hair refuses to be styled?  I often feel like my head does not match the rest of my body, though perhaps I am giving my body too much credit.

Besides my hair, I am fairly pleased with my look today.  I am wearing a new pair of tights that I thought had been gobbled up by my dresser drawers and lost forever.  I like them, though I have to admit that it is still quite difficult for me to wear leg-revealing clothing, and wearing “interesting” tights seems to draw more attention to an area of my body that – until recently – I have worked diligently to hide.  Oh well.  No pain, no gain…right?

Bina - Day 46

Bina: Namu myo horenge kyo. I repeated it to myself again and again, as my mother and grandmother had instructed me.  It would calm me down.

I find that driving is the time when I am most apt to burst into tears for almost no apparent reason. I guess it’s because it’s a time when the mind can tend to wander. I have this problem wherein I remember things so vividly it is as if I am reliving. Maybe it’s all those acting classes or something, but when I recall a memory, I am there. I mean, I am feeling every single thing I felt at the time of the memory. It’s a curse, really. It is for this reason that I am going to take my first Buddhist meditation class this weekend.  I need to learn how to clear out all of these negative thoughts and memories so I can start building my life again. Because I’m not sure exactly when, but it feels like I’ve stopped building anything.

So I’ve had a lot of driving time lately on account of my new hobby, Polynesian dancing.  The studio I go to is amazing and world-renowned and…in Anaheim.  Twice a week.  90 minutes in traffic there.  90 minutes of dancing.  About 35 minutes to get home.  I tell you all this because everyone seems so shocked when I tell them where it is and the effort I am making to get there. I figure if surfers can wake up at 4am to drive an hour and half to catch a sweet wave, then I can drive 90 minutes to dance my heart out.  I suppose that’s what passionate people do.

It’s true. I’m loving it. When I’m in class, it’s almost like meditation because I can stop thinking about everything else and just feel powerful and seductive.  Whether it be a Tahitian love song, a prayer hymn, or a sex-driven booty-shakin’ beat, it makes me feel totally HOT.  But I’ve really got to work on my Fa’arapu — because when it’s done right it can look a little like this around the one-minute mark.  However, when it’s not done right, it looks kinda like a toddler trying to furiously shake a turd out of his diaper.

Day 41 – Tuesday

Ena - Day 41

Ena: Ugh. Really, that’s all that I feel like writing today. I don’t want to write about my outfit (though, I do really love this top which I purchased on sale this weekend while shopping with my Mom), or my attitude, or the fact that I just realized that January 27th is a Thursday which means that I will have to wait until March 19th to complete the GAB training needed to volunteer for the program. Ugh.

Though at first I had hoped that this week would not be as rough as last week, Meeting Week: The Week From Hell, I am beginning to change my mind. Despite a ridiculously warm, thoroughly relaxing, all around amazing four day weekend spent with my always fun, extremely beautiful, all around wonderful Mother (I miss you already, Mom!), I still feel unmotivated, drained, and generally void of energy and goodwill.

It’s time I face the music. I can no longer blame my lackluster-ness on meetings or the weather or PMS, and it is now fairly evident that my lack of passion has very little to do with my lack of fashion sense.  As Bina pointed out earlier, we are nearing Day 50, we are nearing this project’s halfway point. And, while I feel like I have a pretty strong handle on the dressing for success part – it’s not nearly as painful as it used to be…at least, not every day – and that I have truly experienced the joy and power of feeling proud of how I look, I still haven’t figured it out; I haven’t unlocked the secret of happiness. Shocking, I know.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one-dimensional enough to have thought that dressing well would solve all of my problems, nor am I delusional enough to think that 41 days is enough time to affect significant change. It’s just, I was sort of hoping for a miracle.  Writing this now, I realize how absurd this is and how narcissistic I must sound; at least I can laugh at myself.

I suppose the real truth is that I am getting lost in the current moment, and I suspect that if I were to look back on all 41 days I would realize that I have come a long way and that I do feel better; I’m not actually gonna do it…I’ll just suspect and leave it at that. And, looking on the bright side – because that’s what I do – I guess that it is good to know that my problems are more than skin deep, as it were, and that (sadly) I cannot change my life simply by changing my outfit. Now, to get to the heart of it; to take it a step further; to try something new; to figure it out.  Ugh.

Bina - Day 41

Bina: Posting a bit late today as I just got home from my Polynesian dance class.  I was saddened that the flu kept me away from class for a week.  And I realize that that is a really, really good thing — I was bummed I was too weak to go learn how to shake my butt better. Yayyyy. The thing about having the flu is that you kind of feel like you’re waiting to die or waiting to live.  I guess it’s a good thing that I had something to feel like I was waiting to live to do.  Yes, that’s dramatic but it’s the truth.  Ena and I were actually discussing later in the day how sometimes we just feel like we’re waiting to die. Something’s gotta give.  Okay, back to the baby steps and then I can think about my bigger steps.

Sooooo, my outfit is…interesting? Honestly, I don’t know.  I managed to grab this weird sweater at the Goodwill this weekend for $5. It’s not something I would normally buy so I thought I’d give it a try.  This morning, it was warm and I was feeling a little sexy so I felt kinda like taking the gams out for a spin.  And then, pretty much, I just started throwing things on.

Let’s see…Japanese floral dress with black lace petticoat slip, weird military stitch Goodwill sweater, big black patent belt, booties, necklaces, side ponytail…Ah crap, am I Princess Consuela Banana Hammock yet?