Passionless Fashion

transforming our lives by transforming our wardrobes

Tag Archives: heartbreak

Day 30 – Tuesday

Ena - Day 30

Ena: Well, much like yesterday, it is still raining and I still have nothing to wear in the rain.  So, I guess that’s that.  As suspected, a thorough tossing of my closets turned up nothing in the way of stylish rain apparel or even waterproof clothing, and I found myself attempting to get ready for work this morning with very few options – how that is different from any other morning, I do not know.

After discovering that my “rain” boots have sprung a leak, I am left with exactly two pairs of waterproof shoes; the ones I am wearing today and my running shoes, which may not actually be waterproof, but which definitely do not have holes in the soles – I know this to be true because I have hardly worn them…great, now I’m depressed.

Since returning from the Thanksgiving holiday I don’t even wanna think about how many weeks ago, I have been to the gym exactly three times.  There, I’ve said it.  Prior to the break I had been exercising three to four days a week during my lunch hour, but since returning my workload has not allowed me to keep the same schedule.  Work really does get in the way of life.

And, to make matters worse, our office has been experiencing an onslaught of gifted sweets since Halloween.  Unfortunately, efforts have been ramped-up in recent weeks due to the upcoming holiday, and getting from my office to the bathroom is like navigating an empty calorie minefield; I find myself faced with cookies, brownies, muffins, and cupcakes at every turn.  Danger!

Just today I have consumed three extremely buttery and delicious cookies which were delivered to our office courtesy of some bastard client; three cookies!  I didn’t even space them out, I just shoveled them into my mouth as fast as I could…as if that would allow me to avoid the impending shame spiral.  I have also had two rich dark chocolate truffles and half of a muffin.

Don’t worry, I have no intention of turning this blog into a food diary…though, maybe I should.  I wonder if knowing that at the end of each day I was obligated to share – with the five people who actually read this blog at least – what I have put in my body would have as life-changing an effect on me as knowing that I’m obligated to share what I have put on it.

Bina - Day 30

Bina: Last Sunday, something happened.  It had been a rough weekend for my psyche, filled with doubt and self-loathing and misery, but I had given myself a pep talk and put on a dress to go out and socialize at my friends’ holiday party.  I was actually having quite a lovely time – it was nice to see my sweet and supportive friends in one room together (some of us in our holiday finest, others in ratty t-shirts) – when I heard a loud voice.  Suddenly, the room seemed like it was shrinking.  No, it wasn’t an ex-boyfriend.  It was someone I hadn’t seen in years whom I strongly dislike, and I do not dislike many people, but you know what, I hate this guy.  The reasons for our mutual dislike are too convoluted to get into here, but he has felt the need to insult me on more than one occasion.  I was sitting on the couch talking to my friend Katie and feeling decent about myself when this guy sat down right next to me and said “So Bina, still single, huh?” and then he got up and walked away.

Now, perhaps I read way too much into that remark.  Or perhaps he’s an asshole.  Either way, it shouldn’t have mattered.  But at that moment, in my heartbroken haze, it did.  It mattered a lot.  My head was swimming with all the questions I had been asking myself all weekend  – “What’s wrong with you?” was at the top of the list – and tears immediately sprang to my eyes.  I had to get out of there immediately.  Katie encouraged me not to let that jerk get to me, but I did.  I went to the restroom and pulled myself together. I gathered my things and did my best not to Irish-goodbye the whole party.

Now, as I sit here a week and a half later, that remark seems, well, irrelevant.  I spend far too much time worrying about what everyone else thinks of me all the time, when in reality, they probably don’t give me much thought at all.  I’ve spent quite a long time trying to live my life by other people’s standards and it hasn’t worked out so great.  Although I’m still feeling a little blue and each day is a new challenge, I’m starting to see the world again.  And the world gets to see these goofy pictures of me attempting to be stylish.

Seriously, what am I doing?  Hiding?  Begging for bread?  Peeing on a fire-hydrant?  Who knows?  But I’m doing it wearing a sweater I bought in Tokyo and then relegated to a bottom drawer for the last 5 years.   Now that I have it on, I find myself admiring its sweet details, warmth, and excellent quality.  I should wear it more often.


Day 28 – Friday

Ena - Day 28

Ena: Today I’m wearing a flannel shirt, and though you may be tempted to label me a hipster, I’d rather you didn’t.  I like to think of this look as neo-grunge because I am old enough to have taken part in flannel’s last heyday during the 1990s, and because I am not a hipster.  If you can’t get on board with neo-grunge, then how about lumberjack chic?  It has a certain ring I think.

I am fairly happy with my look today, however I am having a rather difficult time with my pants.  There is quite a bit of gaping and stretching happening around my knees that looks very odd and is getting on my nerves.  I suppose I could have – and probably should have – worn leggings of some sort, but then there’s the butt problem.  Don’t pretend that you don’t know what I mean.  Leggings are pretty difficult to pull off, especially if you are wearing a short or short-ish top and are not exceptionally fit.  Jeans are much more forgiving, and, as such, are usually my first choice even if they are not the best choice.

Today begins what is supposed to be over a week of rainy days here in Los Angeles, which would be fine if it weren’t interfering with my plans.  Prior to beginning this project I had been working on another one also designed to help me spice up my life and find my passion…or at least a hobby.  I created a “30 things to do before I’m 30 (or there about)” list, and this weekend I was supposed to resume my efforts.  Along with a few others, Bina and I were going to walk from my house to an archery range along the Arroyo Seco River and take a free archery class.  Now, I don’t know if archery will become my passion or my hobby, but I am sure that archery in the rain will become neither.

Bina - Day 28

Bina: Call me crazy, but I adore this weather.  It’s the start to a drizzly, rainy, chilly weekend in Los Angeles, and I love it.  Maybe that’s why I have such an affinity in my heart for Seattle, and for some of the best months of my life thus far spent in Juneau, Alaska.  I have perhaps never felt more at home in any city than I did in Juneau.  Of course, my time in Juneau was emotionally heightened because I fell in love with the musical director of the theatre where I was working as an actor – what a cliché, right?  But I do know that I fell in love with the city before I fell in love with the inappropriately young guy who had so much passion for me that he talked me into having a long-distance relationship and then months later would eventually break my heart because it was too hard, he was too young and ambitious, we were too far apart, etc.

Here’s the thing.  I know that I am at my most attractive when I am happy.  Who isn’t?  It’s always when I’m feeling happy to be independent and single, when I’m doing the things I love for myself, that someone will come along and see me in all my glory and want to be with me.  This has happened countless times. No great mystery about it.  It’s just how the world and people work.  But the problem is my inability to continue “loving” myself once I get into the relationship.  As soon as I’m crazy about someone, my whole world becomes about them.  I take on my role as a caregiver and a pleaser, and I lose myself and my sparkle.  The same sparkle that drew them to me in the first place.  I hate it.  I’ve lost myself so many times now that I just feel dull and tired.  I want to find my sparkle again, dammit, and when I do, I’m not going to lose it or let anyone take it away.

Now you’d think with the number of times I just used the word “sparkle” that I’d be wearing something sparkly today.  I’m not. But I am wearing a belt of bird feathers, so that’s something.  The pictures point out to me that my tunic is very easily a wrinkled mess but that’s okay.  Because the other thing I’m wearing in today’s photos that has been fairly absent for a while – an honest-to-goodness smile.