Day 50 – Monday

Ena - Day 50

Ena: Monday.  Due to the previously mentioned visiting co-workers, shmoozy-boozy events, and long, somewhat pointless meetings, this week’s posts may be short, rushed, completely nonsensical, or all of the above.  This is unfortunate as recent revelations have made me hyper-aware that people who we do not know are actually reading this blog (yay!) and that people who we do not know are actually reading my writing (yikes!)

Though I received both my BA and MA degrees in English-y areas (Linguistics and Composition/Rhetorical Theory, respectively, and no, English-y is not a real term), I am by no means a writer.  I suppose what I mean is that I am not a creative writer; given the choice between writing a research paper on the socioeconomics of modern China or a two page short story, I’d choose China, all the way.  Until recently, my idea of hell involved being forced to write and/or share personal anecdotes, I’d rather poke my eyes out with my pen.  I am from the old school, where it is commonly believed that “I” has no place in proper composition…or, at least, I used to be.

Along with attempting to dress stylishly, posing for pictures, sharing my feelings, and pretty much everything else that this blog involves, one of the most challenging aspects of this project has been writing in a style that I am completely unfamiliar and entirely uncomfortable with.  My difficulties, both personal and mechanical, with this type of writing are made infinitely worse by the limited amount of time that we have to write and edit each day’s post.  This probably sounds like an excuse for bad writing…well, it is.

I have been reading a lot of fashion blogs lately which is both a good and a bad thing.  On one hand, it is very inspiring to read about and see what others are wearing and to learn about what inspires them.  On the other hand, it makes me feel like poo.  Unlike some of my favorite bloggers, I am not creative.  I don’t sew, or draw, or design clothes.  I don’t know how to use technology and I can’t create the perfect blog.  I don’t have fancy camera equipment, or a photographer boyfriend, or endless amounts of time to work on each post.  I am not terribly eloquent nor am I blessed with a gift for prose.  I am not perfect – try to contain your surprise – and I never will be, so please, don’t expect too much.

On a brighter note, though I did not make it to the Library this weekend – I was too busy catching up on Top Chef which, as it turns out, may be my passion after all – I did make it out shopping and finally picked up a pair of opaque black tights.  I needed the tights to wear with this dress which I bought on a recent trip to Target, and overall I am happy with the way today’s outfit turned out.  I am not, however, happy with the way today’s pictures turned out, and I plan to try much harder tomorrow.  Hey, I may not be perfect but at least I can try.

Bina - Day 50

Bina: Today has been a crazy day.  I guess I’ve been far too busy to dwell on my fragile mental state and the hours have flown by, so it’s kind of a good thing.  I’ve been immersed in excel spreadsheet hell for several hours and my eyes are quite tired right now.  It seems that with our new professional looks comes more responsibilities and meetings, who knew?

This dress is another gift from my Mom from Hawaii.  I love these kinds of comfortable dresses – although I have been a little lazy with footwear.  I really wanted to be comfy today, and I am, albeit freezing.  One other thing I’d like to note – my jean jacket.  I’ve worn this jacket a few times now, but I feel it’s worth mentioning that prior to beginning this project, I had never worn it.  Never.  I actually somehow inherited it as it was left behind at my apartment many moons ago, and after asking around for its owner, I claimed the jacket as my own.  And it has hung in my closet for about 3 years, I think.

Today’s pictures are not so great. They were super-rushed and we were also nearly caught red-handed snapping pics by a bunch of sales people who are visiting from overseas. Yikes! Talk about embarrassing!  Yes, we have become known, I’m fairly certain, as those two weird girls who snap pictures of themselves in strange locations around the lot.

So I didn’t actually go to that meditation class this weekend like I had said I was going to do.  (Bad Bina!) But I did procure a pamphlet and have pinpointed a few sessions that would be perfect for me (i.e. Why We Get Unhappy and Transforming Painful Feelings).  I’m looking forward to it.

Day 49 – Friday

Ena - Day 49

Ena: Wow, I never say this, but TGIF.  For real.  For no particular reason, I am extra happy for Friday this week, I am ready to get my weekend started.  Next week should be interesting; lots of off-site and out-of-country co-workers coming to our office which means lots of shmoozy-boozy events and long, somewhat pointless meetings…can’t wait.  That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t catch it.

There are two things – well, more than that really, but two in particular – that I would like to accomplish this weekend; go thrift-store/cheap-clothes shopping and go to my local Los Angeles Public Library branch to inquire about volunteer opportunities (there has to be something that I can do to help, dammit!).  And, because I am unable to participate in the GAB training until the middle of March, I have decided to explore additional options.

A few weeks back, Bina volunteered at a local public school through a program sponsored by our company called Friday Readers.  For those of you who are not good with the literal, the program entails reading…to kids…on Fridays.  Since that’s pretty much what the GAB program is all about – and since I really am scared that I will hate it and/or be terrible at it – I decided to become a Friday Reader too and take this whole volunteering thing out for a spin.  I will keep you posted.

I am very excited to go shopping this weekend, I am feeling motivated.  I hope that I am able to find tons of ridiculously inexpensive, terribly stylish, utterly unique things to dazzle and amaze you with next week…or, that I don’t buy too much crap at least.  I’d like to end today’s post by giving a super heartfelt shout out to my Uncle Chris who has supported this project from the beginning…Happy Birthday, Crazy Diamond!  Shine on!

Bina - Day 49

Bina: Over the summer, I did one of the scariest things I’ve ever done.  I took an improv class.  The idea had been in my head for a while.  I have been an Upright Citizens Brigade fan for years – dating back to when Alexis and I used to sit in the sidewalk line for their free Asssscat shows in NYC.  In fact, years ago, I actually signed up for a class in New York, and then when I was cast in a play in Alaska (I know, weird), I was unable to take that class.  This summer, I decided it was time.  I was feeling fairly good about myself and thought I should get out of my comfort zone and try something new – even if it was utterly frightening.  I enrolled.

When the time came for the very first class, I felt like I wanted to barf big time.  Could I possibly be funny on command?  I was a total spaz in that first class.  I was trying so hard. In our inaugural exercise, four of us had to get up and then we were supposed to each ramble about something we LOVED – the first thing that came to mind.  Well, the first thing that came to mind was my cats.  Big mistake.  In the spirit of the exercise, I started rambling on and on about how much I loved my cats, only to realize as I was talking that I sounded like a crazy cat lady and I had just exposed this about myself within an hour of meeting my classmates. Crap.

Still, everything went uphill from there.  I learned so much over those 8 weeks.  And as soon as I was able to calm down and get out of my own way and play the game of improv, I was actually kinda funny.  It was liberating. (Although as it turns out, one guy did have an anxiety attack in the middle of a scene, left, and never came back.) Our improv was based on monologues (based on audience suggestion) and while, at first, I thought I would never be able to think of anything, I found that I really liked storytelling.  And that people seemed to actually like my storytelling – my storytelling that was based on the ridiculous things that have happened to me over the years.  Finally, some of those stories would come in handy.

When it came time for my graduation show, I told no one.  I was so terrified of being judged.  And of not being funny.  Even though I had found some retribution in class, I still didn’t want other outsiders to be there just in case I fell flat on my face.

In short, I did not fall flat on my face.  I gave a monologue; I did some great scenes; I kinda rocked.  And none of my friends saw it.  Because I was so nervous about failing.  After the show, I went with my classmates to the bar, Birds, next door to celebrate.  Because you know, that’s what improvisers at UCB do.  We ate and drank and laughed about the show we had just done.  Proud little Improv 101 graduates.  And then my classmate turned and said to me “I’m OBSESSED with your monologues.  They’re amazing.”  And I don’t know if I’ve ever felt prouder of myself.

I’m not sure why I wanted to talk about this today.  I guess I just wanted to remember something positive – how I felt when I overcame a fear of mine.  And how rewarding it was.  And how I wish I had been more confident or trusting in my friends to let them see me try – whether I was going to fall on my face or not. At least I was trying.

Day 48 – Thursday

Ena - Day 48

Ena: Looking at today’s pictures, a few questions spring to mind: What am I wearing?  What was I thinking?  How did this happen?  In case you are wondering too, the answers are: Something I shouldn’t be; I wasn’t; Red wine.  Before anyone jumps to any conclusions, the red wine was consumed last night; I would never drink wine before noon (at least, not on a work day)…though today it surely couldn’t have hurt.

It was the foggy, blurry, slightly throbbing head which resulted from last night’s red wine consumption that was responsible for the disaster that is today’s outfit.  Seriously, what was I thinking?  I suppose that I was going for a sort of collegiate nerd look, but, while I certainly look square, I most definitely did not accomplish my goal.  Baahhh!

I’m not really sure what else there is to say other than that going forward I will strive to never let this happen again.  So, the lessons learned today are as follows: Drinking excessive amounts of red wine on a week night is just asking for trouble; Green tops do not pair well with camel and navy striped cardigans; I am not 21 anymore.  Duh.

Bina - Day 48

Bina: I’m not going to lie. Today has been rough for me.  I was with Ena for the work-related Red Wine Bonanza last night but because of the way my stomach has been lately, I actually didn’t even really partake.  So I can’t blame that for my appearance or the way I feel today.  My morning started by waking up at 6am sick with anxiety and knowing that today was most assuredly going to have to be a purple sunglasses kind of day.  Honestly, I struggled to even get out of bed, let alone put together a decent ensemble so I was just going to have to be simple and comfortable.

According to several websites, these are some of the major symptoms of clinical depression: fatigue, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, impaired concentration and indecisiveness, insomnia, tearfulness, markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day,  significant weight loss (or gain), and recurring thoughts of death.  Today, and most days for the last few months, I have been experiencing all of these symptoms.  I have seen a doctor and have been considering going back on anti-depressants.  I’ve made my most valiant efforts to try to get things under control without medication.  I think it may be time to face the music.

Obviously some days are better than others; today has not been good. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Day 47 – Wednesday

Ena: I’d like to begin today’s post by professing my love for…my jeans.  Yes, that’s right, my jeans; I love them and I want the world – or at least the 5 people who read this blog – to know.  If you are a man, this may sound crazy, but every woman should know and understand the euphoric joy that the perfect pair of jeans can inspire.  Yes, perfect; these are my perfect jeans, the ones I’ve been searching for what feels like a lifetime for.  I’ve finally found them.  I’ll take a dozen more, please.  Immediately.

Ha!  Now, if only I could find a few more (preferably less materialistic) things that would inspire me to such passionate declarations.  Passion is after all what I’m after.  I did feel a bit of passion (can one feel a bit passionate?  are there degrees of passion?) last night while listening to the state of the union address as I drove home from work.  Yes, I know that it is terribly clichéd to have your passion aroused by political speeches peppered with propaganda; that is, by design, what they are intended to do.  But, last night our President happened to mention two issues particularly important to me: service and education.

I firmly believe that in order for this country to become great – or at least better – we, regular average American citizens, need to get to work.  We need to replace our apathy with empathy, our hatred with understanding, our complaints with actions; we need to take responsibility for the state of our union.  Now don’t go getting all defensive, by “we” I mean me.  I am an apathetic angry complainer who is usually too lazy and selfish to walk the dog, forget about saving the country; that’s the point.

Since finishing school I have felt compelled to do something; no, not just something, something good.  I want to do something that will be meaningful to someone else.  I want to do my part to make my country – or at least my neighborhood – a better place.  I want to make a difference. 

For the past few years I have entertained the idea of becoming a teacher; a college prep high school English teacher to be exact.  I think that education is vital for success; the success of children and the success of nation.  I’m still not sure if I can be a teacher, but I am positive that I can become passionate about education; I just need to figure out how.  I’d like to figure it out soon because, according to Barack Obama, my country – and my neighborhood – needs me.

Bina: In honor of yesterday’s post, I present today’s look.  Why not?  This dress is a gift from Hawaii given to me by my beautiful mother.  My mother is in love with all things Hawaiian, and I’m thankful that she includes me now and again when she shops for herself. 

I have realized that I don’t ever really wear red.  I’m not sure why that is, because I actually think it’s a pretty good color for me.  Maybe it’s the boldness I was afraid of…not sure…but I should wear red more often.

Also, have you seen my shoes? I love them. I got them back in November for my BFF’s beach wedding.  According to Rachel Zoe, these are very “in” this season.  They are Charles David metallic espadrille platform wedges, and I got them on clearance for only 30 bucks.  I like how I can feel really tall wearing them, but they are sturdy enough that I don’t have to feel like Bambi.

For kicks and to celebrate the warm rays of sunshine pouring down on LA today, I decided to throw the little Tiare flower in my hair.  The Tiare flower is the emblem of Tahiti and is believed to relieve migraines and earaches, cure some forms of eczema and even heal wounds. Here’s hoping on that last one.

Day 46 – Tuesday

Ena - Day 46

Ena: I really hate my hair today.  Sorry, I guess I should be more precise; I have been unhappy with my hair lately, but today I really hate it.  I have thin, fine, straight, limp hair.  My hair refuses to do anything on its own and rejects anything that anyone attempts to do to it.  My hair is a bitch.

There is really nothing else to say about the matter, this is mainly just a rant.  I have no solutions to this hairy situation (really sorry about that, I just couldn’t help myself), but I do have a few questions.  How am I supposed to appear professional when my hair appears to be stuck in grade school?  How can I expect to look stylish when my hair refuses to be styled?  I often feel like my head does not match the rest of my body, though perhaps I am giving my body too much credit.

Besides my hair, I am fairly pleased with my look today.  I am wearing a new pair of tights that I thought had been gobbled up by my dresser drawers and lost forever.  I like them, though I have to admit that it is still quite difficult for me to wear leg-revealing clothing, and wearing “interesting” tights seems to draw more attention to an area of my body that – until recently – I have worked diligently to hide.  Oh well.  No pain, no gain…right?

Bina - Day 46

Bina: Namu myo horenge kyo. I repeated it to myself again and again, as my mother and grandmother had instructed me.  It would calm me down.

I find that driving is the time when I am most apt to burst into tears for almost no apparent reason. I guess it’s because it’s a time when the mind can tend to wander. I have this problem wherein I remember things so vividly it is as if I am reliving. Maybe it’s all those acting classes or something, but when I recall a memory, I am there. I mean, I am feeling every single thing I felt at the time of the memory. It’s a curse, really. It is for this reason that I am going to take my first Buddhist meditation class this weekend.  I need to learn how to clear out all of these negative thoughts and memories so I can start building my life again. Because I’m not sure exactly when, but it feels like I’ve stopped building anything.

So I’ve had a lot of driving time lately on account of my new hobby, Polynesian dancing.  The studio I go to is amazing and world-renowned and…in Anaheim.  Twice a week.  90 minutes in traffic there.  90 minutes of dancing.  About 35 minutes to get home.  I tell you all this because everyone seems so shocked when I tell them where it is and the effort I am making to get there. I figure if surfers can wake up at 4am to drive an hour and half to catch a sweet wave, then I can drive 90 minutes to dance my heart out.  I suppose that’s what passionate people do.

It’s true. I’m loving it. When I’m in class, it’s almost like meditation because I can stop thinking about everything else and just feel powerful and seductive.  Whether it be a Tahitian love song, a prayer hymn, or a sex-driven booty-shakin’ beat, it makes me feel totally HOT.  But I’ve really got to work on my Fa’arapu — because when it’s done right it can look a little like this around the one-minute mark.  However, when it’s not done right, it looks kinda like a toddler trying to furiously shake a turd out of his diaper.

Day 45 – Monday

Ena: Well, today has been pretty crap even for a Monday.  It is busy, busy, busy around here and I’ve had precious little time for anything other than work; no time for lunch, no time for yoga, no time for trotting about posing for pictures.  In fact, we’re lucky that Renah had the time to take these.  For a while this afternoon I was actually trying to figure out how I’d go about taking pictures of myself if worse came to worse; I am still not sure exactly how I would have accomplished it but I am sure that it would have involved the bathroom mirror and that the results would have been horrifying.

That’s right, we are sans Bina again today.  As usual, I am sad to be without her, but, for her sake, I am glad that she missed this disaster of a day.  I am feeling tired and rushed today, so I am going to keep this post rather short…I promise.

Today I am wearing a boring outfit, and, though it looks like very little thought went into it, I am embarrassed to admit that I actually changed clothes three and a half times this morning; it really is quite shameful.  I suppose the point here is that I am completely exhausted and out of ideas.  I am in desperate need of inspiration.  I need some money.  I need a shopping trip.  I need a personal stylist.  I need to stop complaining.  I need to get back to work.

Day 44 – Friday

Ena - Day 44

Ena: I am still feeling a bit drained after yesterday’s lengthy anecdote, so today I’ll keep it short – ah, dry your eyes – and to the point.  I love what I am wearing today.  I’m not sure if it’s stylish or fashion forward or even flattering, but I feel completely comfortable and confident.  I suppose that the Full House moral here would be that if you’re comfortable and confident, you’ll look great no matter what you’re wearing.  But really that’s a bunch of crap; I look great in 4 inch heels and they’re uncomfortable as hell.

Though today’s outfit appears to fall nicely into my comfort zone – jeans, check; cardigan, check; open-toed shoes, check – looks can be deceiving (careful, there’s another moral) and in this case they most certainly are.  Believe it or not, this cardigan is a risk for me, something I would never normally wear; it’s yellow.  Eeekk!

Due to my coloring, and some unfortunate choices in the past, I usually avoid yellow clothing like the plague, and when I saw this cardigan on sale last Friday while shopping with my Mom that’s exactly what I did, suggesting instead that she try it on.  However, both my Mom and a nosy but observant clerk thought that it would look good on me and forced me to try it on.  After they ooh-ed and aah-ed I went to the closest mirror to see for myself, and, to my complete surprise, it didn’t look that bad.  My Mom liked it so much that she insisted on purchasing it for me and, after putting up a rather weak fight, I agreed to let her; thanks Mom!

I love the color of this cardigan, but under normal circumstances I would have never even thought of trying it on.  So, in conclusion, I suppose that the real moral here is never be afraid to try something new…or maybe it’s don’t limit yourself, you never know when something might surprise you…or maybe it’s that you really can teach an old dog new tricks…or maybe it’s…oh, who cares; it’s all a bunch of crap.

Bina - Day 44

Bina: About a half hour ago, I started having a meltdown in our office about my job — about our jobs, I suppose.  I was getting pissed-off and all hot under my ruffled collar when Ena suggested that maybe we should step outside to take a brief stroll and breathe.

As we tried to go out the front door, a PA girl who looked about twelve in her striped hoodie, told us we couldn’t go out that way because they were filming some Nickelodeon show.  And I’m pretty sure she may have called one or both of us “ma’am.”  Fine.  We slipped out the back.

We walked. I huffed and I puffed.  And then it happened.  He was on a cart with a few other people and I was too busy huffing and puffing to even notice, but Ena looked over just in time to see him do a big head-turning sweep with his eyes in my direction as his cart was driven past us.

Then, Ena said “Dude, you totally just got checked out by LL Cool J.”

I guess that helps a little…

Day 43 – Thursday

Ena: Alright, feeling a bit more motivated today (thank goodness), so, as promised, I thought I’d share the story of how I came to realize that my life lacks passion.  As previously noted, I recently finished my MA degree and concluded my 25 year scholastic career.  The sudden and unprecedented free time that completing my education created in my life, coupled with the event that I am about to relay, made me abruptly and acutely aware of my passionless-ness.

To replace a class which no longer exists (thank you, Governator), in my final quarter I took an upper level undergraduate class, and it was while studying for the final exam that I had my traumatic epiphany.  I was sitting outside prior to the final reviewing my notes – oh, alright, I was cramming – when a fellow student asked if he could join me.  Normally, being the jaded skeptical a-hole that I am, I would have said no or just pretended not to hear him.  But, this was different; this guy just happened to be the smartest student in the class, so I told him to take a seat…told you, a-hole.

Once we finished going over our notes, my smarty-pants partner thought that we should get our minds off of the exam and suggested that we chat.  I hate chatting, especially with strangers – that’s right, I said a-hole – but I was sort of freaking out, so I thought I’d give his theory a try.  I suppose it was your usual run-of-the-mill chitchat, though really I wouldn’t know, and I learned a lot about my new friend.  He is 20 years old.  He loves rhetorical theory.  He plays piano and bass guitar and has a makeshift studio in his house where he mixes and records music with his friends.  He is a black belt in Karate.  He works with a homeless men’s shelter in South Central Los Angeles.  But, what he’s really passionate about is teaching underprivileged and disabled children martial arts at his dojo.  In short, he is amazing.  I felt sick.

Naturally, my new friend asked, “So, what do you do?”  Then it happened.  After I said “work” and “go to school” it happened; I realized that the actual answer to his question was “nothing.”  My stomach sank.  My mind went blank, my head got hot, there was a ringing in my ears…I swear.  I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.  That, my friends, is realization.  I don’t “do” anything.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I sat there dumbfounded he kept right at it – he should add “cause early onset mid-life crisis” to his long list of favorite activities, he is certainly good at it.

After listening to my pathetic attempt to answer his question he replied, “Yeah, but what do you like to do?  What are you passionate about? ”  I mean it, this guy was a killer.  Uh…Play with my dog?  Eat?  Watch Top Chef?  Eat?  I like to walk; can I be passionate about walking?  Finally I gave in, “Nothing,” I said, and that was that.  We sat there for a moment chatting some more, but I wasn’t listening.  I was freaking out again but not about the exam (his theory had worked, he is an evil genius); this time I was freaking out about my passionless life.

That conversation had a profound impact on me.  I told everyone about it, my co-workers, my friends, my family.  Profound.  Since then I have spent a lot of time contemplating my life, trying to understand why I lead a passionless existence.  Maybe being a full time student and full time worker for the past 10 years stopped me from experiencing new things and finding my passion.  Or, maybe I never recovered from the knee injury that robbed me of my one-time passion, soccer.  I have absolutely no idea how it is that I have reached age 30 without discovering my passion…or at least developing a hobby.  And, to be honest, I am not really concerned with the reason for my passionless-ness.  I am, however, concerned with changing my life and I am hell bent on becoming passionate about something…wait, can I be passionate about finding my passion?  Hummm…

Bina - Day 43

Bina: This morning, when I got dressed, I think my head was still swimming with images from my repeat flu-viewings of Going the Distance this last weekend.  Drew wore a lot of stripes and this I HEART RONSON cardigan from Goodwill fit the bill nicely.  I wanted to be rough around the edges – a girl who knows where she’s walking in New York City, and even when she doesn’t know where she’s going, you wouldn’t really know the difference – because she has a sense of purpose.  That’s the woman I wanted to dress as today.  Also, I dig purple.

When you’re a little girl (or at least when I was), you have this idea of how your life is going to go.  Most weeks, I wanted to be an actress, and I wanted the school bullies to be sorry they ever messed with the likes of me.  I wanted to find someone who appreciated every weird, quirky, sensitive thing about me, and I would share my life with that person.  I daydreamed about it incessantly.  And I had absolutely no doubt that I would someday find that person.  It would all work out.

Then, at some point many years later, it suddenly occurs to you, “Holy crap, what if it doesn’t work out?”  Well, it may not work out the way you thought it would anyway.  Okay, what now? To be continued…off to dance class!

Day 42 – Wednesday

 

Ena Day 42

Ena: Today might be worse than yesterday, if you can believe that.  I’m not quite sure what’s wrong with me, but I have a terrible attitude and absolutely no motivation; no motivation to attempt to dress myself stylishly, no motivation to talk about this project…no motivation, none. 

Days like today are made infinitely more difficult by the fact that I am obligated to sit down and write about days like today.  I mean, come on; who in their right mind wants to read about days like today anyway?  My only consolation is thinking that maybe, just maybe, my struggles will help one or two of our five readers. 

Maybe my bad days provide comfort to others who are having bad days themselves.  Maybe my bad days serve as an example to others that no matter how bad they think they have it, it could always be worse – they could be forced to blog about their bad days.  Maybe, though I kind of hope not, my bad days help others by giving them something to laugh and smile about…maybe.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately – well, since yesterday anyway – and I feel like I’ve got a lot more to do before I figure out the real reason (or reasons…yikes!) for my lack of passion.  Today I planned to tell you the story of how I came to realize that I was, in fact, a passionless mess, but, to be honest, I don’t really feel up to it now.  Maybe tomorrow…if I’m feeling motivated.

Bina Day 42

Bina: Today, I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch.  I was filling up a giant cup of Dr. Pepper (Yay Dr. Pepper!) when I saw a guy next to me look over, take a lid for his cup, then reach and get another lid to slide over to me.  It was subtle and nothing really, just someone being nice, but I noticed and I appreciated it.  And you have to notice these things because otherwise, your brain just becomes a muddled montage of jerks flipping you off on account of their road rage and inability to understand that you are Asian and doing the best you can.  I appreciate more than ever when that one dude crossed the foyer to get the door for me today because I had my hands full of binders.  I appreciated it that the nice lady let me cut in line at the grocery store because I was only buying two things (almost guaranteed one was cat-related.)  And I will always wave back at you if you let me merge on the freeway.  In fact, I probably appreciate these gestures so much because a lot of people are just plain mean these days. 

I’ve always been accused of being “too nice.”  Frankly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being kind.  But I think the real problem is the “nice” generally translates into getting treated poorly because I was too “nice” to say or do anything about it. At this juncture in my life, as I learn how to dress myself properly on a daily basis, I am trying to de-toxify my life – get rid of the people and things that make me feel badly about myself.  This is Facebook de-friending people who I unhealthily stalk or whom I believe are unhealthily stalking me – I may have low self-esteem but somehow I’m still a narcissist.  This is doing the things I want to do when I feel up to doing them and when I can afford it.  It’s learning how to say no, but for me, it’s also learning how to say yes.  I’ve been so afraid of “people” my whole life and I think that’s why people just think I’m “nice and shy.”  I’m too scared to be any different.

So I’m gonna say something embarrassingly revealing right now.  Yes, it’s a little late for a premise like that.  But I watched the movie Going the Distance over the weekend.  And I don’t care what anyone says – I LOVE DREW BARRYMORE.  LOVE.  I wish I was as cool as Drew Barrymore.  Really.  She seems so nice.  And the movie made me love her even more.  I thought it was so charming and heartfelt and touching and the music and the banter and the Justin Long reminding me of my German ex-bf and the New York backdrops and the swoon!  It made me want.  It made me yearn. That’s good though.  That’s life.  And that’s inspiration even if it did come in the form of a chick-flick with dick jokes.  See, here’s the other embarrassingly revealing thing about myself: I’ve been trying to write my very own chick-flick with dick jokes for the last year.

Day 41 – Tuesday

Ena - Day 41

Ena: Ugh. Really, that’s all that I feel like writing today. I don’t want to write about my outfit (though, I do really love this top which I purchased on sale this weekend while shopping with my Mom), or my attitude, or the fact that I just realized that January 27th is a Thursday which means that I will have to wait until March 19th to complete the GAB training needed to volunteer for the program. Ugh.

Though at first I had hoped that this week would not be as rough as last week, Meeting Week: The Week From Hell, I am beginning to change my mind. Despite a ridiculously warm, thoroughly relaxing, all around amazing four day weekend spent with my always fun, extremely beautiful, all around wonderful Mother (I miss you already, Mom!), I still feel unmotivated, drained, and generally void of energy and goodwill.

It’s time I face the music. I can no longer blame my lackluster-ness on meetings or the weather or PMS, and it is now fairly evident that my lack of passion has very little to do with my lack of fashion sense.  As Bina pointed out earlier, we are nearing Day 50, we are nearing this project’s halfway point. And, while I feel like I have a pretty strong handle on the dressing for success part – it’s not nearly as painful as it used to be…at least, not every day – and that I have truly experienced the joy and power of feeling proud of how I look, I still haven’t figured it out; I haven’t unlocked the secret of happiness. Shocking, I know.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one-dimensional enough to have thought that dressing well would solve all of my problems, nor am I delusional enough to think that 41 days is enough time to affect significant change. It’s just, I was sort of hoping for a miracle.  Writing this now, I realize how absurd this is and how narcissistic I must sound; at least I can laugh at myself.

I suppose the real truth is that I am getting lost in the current moment, and I suspect that if I were to look back on all 41 days I would realize that I have come a long way and that I do feel better; I’m not actually gonna do it…I’ll just suspect and leave it at that. And, looking on the bright side – because that’s what I do – I guess that it is good to know that my problems are more than skin deep, as it were, and that (sadly) I cannot change my life simply by changing my outfit. Now, to get to the heart of it; to take it a step further; to try something new; to figure it out.  Ugh.

Bina - Day 41

Bina: Posting a bit late today as I just got home from my Polynesian dance class.  I was saddened that the flu kept me away from class for a week.  And I realize that that is a really, really good thing — I was bummed I was too weak to go learn how to shake my butt better. Yayyyy. The thing about having the flu is that you kind of feel like you’re waiting to die or waiting to live.  I guess it’s a good thing that I had something to feel like I was waiting to live to do.  Yes, that’s dramatic but it’s the truth.  Ena and I were actually discussing later in the day how sometimes we just feel like we’re waiting to die. Something’s gotta give.  Okay, back to the baby steps and then I can think about my bigger steps.

Sooooo, my outfit is…interesting? Honestly, I don’t know.  I managed to grab this weird sweater at the Goodwill this weekend for $5. It’s not something I would normally buy so I thought I’d give it a try.  This morning, it was warm and I was feeling a little sexy so I felt kinda like taking the gams out for a spin.  And then, pretty much, I just started throwing things on.

Let’s see…Japanese floral dress with black lace petticoat slip, weird military stitch Goodwill sweater, big black patent belt, booties, necklaces, side ponytail…Ah crap, am I Princess Consuela Banana Hammock yet?